Three Tips on Healthy Communication

Conflict can be hard to navigate. Disconnect can become isolating. And it's sometimes easier to be a roommate than a romantic.

We've all fallen victim to at least one of those three places at some point in the lifespan of our marriage. It's a horrible place to be -- to feel alone and unknown. We were created to be fully known and fully loved. So, how did we end up in this space, and how do we get out?

We must learn to live attuned. Attuned to the Holy Spirit, attuned to our own thoughts and emotions, and keenly aware of our impact on our significant other. Without this awareness and attunement, we become blinded by the lies that assume, and deaf to the voice that calls out to us with truth, grace, and compassion.

As we learn this skill, we open up a whole realm of opportunities to re-shape the patterns of dialogue that in the past, built walls between us, and masked the intimacy that once echoed our union. We went from unified and on mission, to unknown and independent, and it's time to make a change. It's time to reclaim the union that God declared no man can separate.

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" - Mark 10:9

How do we begin this process?

It starts with entering the conversation with an open heart. Each of us need the freedom to express outwardly the internal narrative that runs freely, without judgment.

Open hearts = vulnerability. It's risky to lay it all out there -- the ugly truth about the lies Satan tells us in our minds, the temptation and sin that easily entangles, and the unhealthy tendencies to make snap judgments about our spouse's motives.

How do we receive vulnerability?

We must begin to receive this vulnerability with deep care and compassion -- the kind Jesus shows. We offer a listening ear. We learn to be attentive to the words that are spoken, and we handle them with gentleness, reflecting back an understanding of intent.

What's the goal?

The goal is to stay connected.

At the beginning of this blog, we talked about how quickly we can go from known to unknown. It happens over time, when we let things go and choose not to engage. We may choose not to engage for a variety of reasons-- but when we make the conscious decision to engage, to enter conversation with an open heart, and listen attentively, we are more equipped to stay connected. On the opposite end, when we don't engage at all, or we engage in a defensive or judgmental posture, we often find ourselves seeking to win an argument rather than win each other's hearts.

If you and your spouse are looking to enter into healthy dialogue, form new patterns of communication, and develop secure bonds, we have two remaining couples' spots available for this summer's Marriage Rekindled Retreat!

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